i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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