Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
