i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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