There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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