My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
