did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
