At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
