We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
