I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
