i permit you to call me
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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