Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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