dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
