Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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