i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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