Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
