you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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