Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
