My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
