The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
