Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
