Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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