If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
