I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
