I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
