last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
