apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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