So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
