then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
