I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Randomize
