This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
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You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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