I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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