I think my fart just growled at me.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
