I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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