He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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