i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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