the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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