She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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