I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
