He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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