remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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