In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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