I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
