now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
