I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It's never too late to be topless.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
