Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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