phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
