Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I am available for nakedness
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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