I am puke
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
