Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
