I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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