It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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