Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
