o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
