i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
