Swine flu. Run for my life!
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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