ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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